Erection Dick - a true story

In Vanuatu, people's names fall roughly into three categories. Traditional local names, names that reflect the colonial heritage and names that reflect modern Vanuatu creativity. Examples of the first are names such as Wapen, Syken, Kenos and Assunda. The condominium and Christianity subsequently produced a tradition of names such as Jessica, Betty, Pierre and Madeleine.

Obviously the third category is bound to yield the more interesting results. For instance the habit of naming children after famous Hollywood movie stars. The Head of the Agriculture Department in Port Vila for example is called Doris Day. The Maskelynes, an area in the south-east of Malakula, is home to a Chuck Norris. And in Lakatoro a two year old boy is trying to live up to his given name of kung-fu master Jet Li. (Please notice that from these names you can also deduct the kind of movies that are popular in Vanuatu. I mean, I have not yet heard of a John Malkovich or a Judy Dench running around in Middle Bush). But by far the the best 'name story' I have heard so far I was told by my friend Ale - whose own name in Bislama incidently means 'good-bye'.

 

In Vanuatu, as in Britain, men regularly have last names that are also first names. For instance I know a Stuart Edwin, an Alan James and I share an office with a Jimmy Willie. Whose name is really Willie Jimmy, but as a sign of respect to his deceased father he uses his last name as his first in public life. This is ofcourse all very confusing, so because he is a very religious man (but with a good sense of humour) I just call him Billy Graham half of the time and be done with it. Anyway, back to the story of Mr and Mrs Dick on the island of Ambae. When this happy couple were expecting their first child, they decided that if it was a boy they would call him Eric. As fate would have it, however, Mrs Dick went into labour on a national election day. When she delivered of a healthy baby boy, they were so pleased that little 'Eric' was born on such a special day that they decided to pretty-up his name a little by mixing together the words 'Eric' and 'election'. So in utter blissful ignorance the proud parents christened their first born son: Erection Dick.

Oh, how I wish this boy will be famous one day! Win a Nobel prize, or Wimbledon even! Just picture it: "Game, set and match, Erection Dick!". Or it would be even better if he became a Hollywood movie star: "And the Oscar goes to.....!" Surely that isn't too much to ask? And ofcourse pretty soon every other boy in Vanuatu would be named after him. So please all join me in my prayers for little Erection, won't you?